I need to add a trigger warning to these posts. If not for other people, than for me when I edit and reread them.
I wanted to put these posts out over the course of a few days but I am finding sifting through old memories incredibly difficult. Way more difficult than I could have ever anticipated.
My 4 year old son takes skateboarding lessons and we were at the skatepark Wednesday when I started to panic. His lesson is from 4:30 to 5:30. I kept staring at my phone, willing the time to move faster. It moved slower, I’m certain of it.
I was shaking so bad, I felt like everyone could notice. My mouth was dry and my breathing shallow. My chest was heavy and my heart was racing. Another mother, someone I had never seen before, was chatting to me, and I have no idea what she said. I smiled and nodded but I wanted to bolt. I wanted to go onto the ramps, grab my son and leave. I was happy when she left.
I’ll just wait 5 mins, tell the instructor that my daughter is sick, and we’ll go. I’ll wait until 5PM. That’s normal. 5 more minutes.
I started thinking that I might collapse or pass out. What would happen to my kids? The instructor is responsible. He would help my daughter call my husband. The owner’s wife was there. She would comfort my daughter. The dad of the other boy in the class is nice. He would make sure the ambulance was called and my kids were safe. He would play with my son.
I needed air. I needed it so bad but my breathing was so shallow. I google mapped how long it would take me to drive to the nearest hospital. It wasn’t far. I could make it in 15 minutes and it wouldn’t be busy at that time, would it? Maybe my doctor would see me. No, I was too embarrassed to call him and tell him I had failed. Again.
I cannot express how discouraging it is to get to this point, after being well for so long. I was better.
I went outside and didn’t feel the cold. I didn’t feel anything but each and every body sensation. Pain. Choking. I was going to throw up on the cold ground by my car.
If you looked at me, talked to me, hung out with me, I don’t think you would ever know that I have panic attacks and anxiety. I have been told repeatedly by people that they had no clue and I don’t seem sick or sad or anything. Doctors have told me that because I am high functioning, it is easier for me to mask it and hide things. Easier for me to get done what needs to be done, like work and taking care of my kids.
I called my husband.
Something is really wrong this time, I told him. You know what it is, he told me. I think it’s my heart, or my throat. If it were either of those things, you wouldn’t be walking around in the cold, chatting with me, and you know that. Keep walking. And keep talking.
I walked and I talked. I went back inside and talked to the owner’s wife and to the other dad and to my daughter and to the instructor. I cheered on my son. We left at the normal time. I felt marginally better.
I cried the whole way home but I don’t think my kids saw. I really hope they didn’t.
One of my closest friends, D, called me. I had been wanting to talk to her but I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. I didn’t want to burden her and I knew she would worry. I spoke with my other friend J, and never said anything. I didn’t want her to think I was fucked up. I didn’t want to burden her.* My husband and I have plans to go out with people on Friday night and I have been thinking on how to get out of it, working it over and over in my mind. What can I say that sounds plausible and not insulting to people who I really like and really want to see but just can’t right now?
Realistically, I think this resurgence is due to rehashing what went on and working through those feelings again but I think it’s important to tell my story, because my story may help another person. My story may help me.
I did phone my doctor and my psychiatrist and my massage therapist and booked appointments with all three. I also pulled out my thought records.
For anyone going through panic, anxiety or depression, I cannot recommend a book called Mind Over Mood enough. While it’s important to have someone trained in CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to talk and work through the book with, if you can’t find someone or the wait is long, read this book and do daily thought records. They help(ed) me a lot. There are a lot of really great, trained people in Toronto who do CBT.
*I have have really bad cognitive distortions in the moment of panic. I know I can call my friends at any time and they will be there for me just like if they called me in crisis there is nothing I wouldn’t do. I just hate feeling like I may burden people. I feel like if I can get through that moment, I will be fine later, and it would have been silly to have burdened them at that time.
The above video shows my son skateboarding at an earlier date. <3
Part 4 coming soon.