Archive | May, 2012

Getting Rid of Pounds. Week five.

17 May

I lost TWO POUNDS this week!

That puts me at 9 pounds lost in total, with 31 still to go.  I am almost done with the green pompoms and will be moving on to another colour!

With respect to my arrangement from last week, I need to lose three more pounds and I am off to get a pedicure.

This week I can say that both my eating and exercise were pretty good.  After the news from last week regarding my cholesterol, I was prepared to start starving myself.  Realistically, I knew that wouldn’t help me, so I went back to what works.

In the morning I have a shakeology with 1/2 a banana and a teaspoon of all natural peanut butter.  I snack on almonds and/or apple.  For lunch, I usually bring leftovers from the night before or some variation on a salad with protein. I also really like GF oatmeal with a teaspoon of natural peanut butter and natural strawberry jam. Tastes good!  My dinners have been grilled chicken with salad usually, but I have gone for Thai food and sushi.  I also went out and bought myself one of those Lindt 85% dark chocolate bars.  I hid it.  Every evening, I have one square.

As far as exercise, I am walking, walking, walking, and loving it! I love to walk. I’m one of those people out there “race” walking and it feels good.  I have my daughter’s iPod touch or my phone, put on my headphones and bop to the music as I walk around my neighbourhood for 30 to 40 minutes a day.  In fact, I haven’t even taken a day off!

The key, I think, is to be realistic. If you hate chicken and salad, then don’t eat chicken and salad. If you hate to walk, don’t walk. Find something that works for you and makes you happy!

I am glad that this all happened before going into the Victoria Day long weekend. Historically, this weekend is about opening the cottage and eating as much food as humanly possible, all day long, for several days straight.

To combat that, I am only going to the cottage from Friday to Sunday. While I do have things to do Sunday evening and Monday, it is also a good excuse to get back to normal sooner rather than later.  I am not going to beat myself up, but I am also going to stop and think before acting like an insane glutton.

As of now, that sums up where I am at.

How are you all doing?

Read all of my posts in my ongoing series about health and weight loss.


Panic Attacks. The period connections.

15 May

I wrote this yesterday, and am feeling much better today!

My psychiatrist introduced me to a website a few years ago, called Moodtracker and I have been using it off and on ever since. (I have no connection with Moodtracker except that I like it). The good things about it are that it is free, it allows your caregiver to see how you are doing and monitor medication, and you can watch your mood fluctuations in “real time”.

One thing I noticed is that my highest anxiety and depression levels, including panic attacks and physical symptoms, often occurred near the time of my period. I have read about connections in a woman’s cycle and mood disorders before so I wasn’t surprised, but it is intriguing just how connected they seem to be for me.

My period is about to start like any second now and my anxiety is really, really high. Physically, I feel terrible. I have had several panic attacks over the last few days including one of the worst in a long time. The worst one came on the night after my doctor’s appointment where I was told about needing to watch my cholesterol. I was in the bathroom around midnight and I felt a strange burning sensation going through my limbs. I could barely get in any breath at all, I felt strange all over, weak, and out of control. I thought to myself “this really is it” and I could not let go of the intrusive thoughts as I could in the past because well, I have cholesterol issues and past BP issues and I need to lose weight and THIS. COULD. BE. IT!

I screamed for my husband. I was about to dial 911 but I screamed for him. I started pacing all over in complete fear and my husband took me by the shoulders and told me to breath and to go back to bed. BED? I was in serious trouble, how could I sleep at a time like this? I walked around, got water, walked around and then finally just tried to rest.

For some reason, I went to bed, and felt normal again. No more heat rushing through my body, I could breath, and I felt calm.


Today, I feel anxiety in me. I am weak and shaking and my breathing is beyond shallow which brings about a whole host of other issues.

Right now, I feel overwhelmed with all the “right things” I want to do.

I want to eat oatmeal and take omega 3 pills, I want to walk daily and meditate. Actually, it doesn’t seem like a particularly comprehensive list now that I have written down, but it I feel overwhelmed because I want to be “better” as fast as possible.

Panic and anxiety really suck.

Image came from google images via this site.

Check out my ongoing series on Panic Attacks and Post Partum Mood Disorders including Depression and Anxiety.

Getting rid of pounds. Week four. Cholesterol.

10 May

This week brings a double dose of the bad.

To start off small, I gained a pound. A pound. It doesn’t seem like a lot over the course of a journey, but it was enough to knock the wind of my proverbial sales.

On a “good” note, my period starts soon, so I can attribute the weight gain to that because, historically, I do retain water.

Now for the really bad stuff. I got my blood test results back from my physical and the news is somewhat grim. My cholesterol needs to be better.  I have had my cholesterol checked regularly during physicals and this is the first time something has come up. Talk about depressing.

From the Mayo Clinic, your cholesterol levels should be:

Total cholesterol
U.S. and some other countries Canada and most of Europe
Below 200 mg/dL Below 5.2 mmol/L Desirable
200-239 mg/dL 5.2-6.2 mmol/L Borderline high
240 mg/dL and above Above 6.2 mmol/L High
LDL cholesterol
U.S. and some other countries Canada and most of Europe
Below 70 mg/dL Below 1.8 mmol/L Ideal for people at very high risk of heart disease
Below 100 mg/dL Below 2.6 mmol/L Ideal for people at risk of heart disease
100-129 mg/dL 2.6-3.3 mmol/L Near ideal
130-159 mg/dL 3.4-4.1 mmol/L Borderline high
160-189 mg/dL 4.1-4.9 mmol/L High
190 mg/dL and above Above 4.9 mmol/L Very high
HDL cholesterol
U.S. and some other countries Canada and most of Europe
Below 40 mg/dL (men)
Below 50 mg/dL (women)
Below 1 mmol/L (men)
Below 1.3 mmol/L (women)
50-59 mg/dL 1.3-1.5 mmol/L Better
60 mg/dL and above Above 1.5 mmol/L Best
U.S. and some other countries Canada and most of Europe
Below 150 mg/dL Below 1.7 mmol/L Desirable
150-199 mg/dL 1.7-2.2 mmol/L Borderline high
200-499 mg/dL 2.3-5.6 mmol/L High
500 mg/dL and above Above 5.6 mmol/L Very high


My LDL (bad cholesterol) is 3.37 and it is considered “borderline high”.  I need to get it below 2, which can happen when I raise my HDL.  This can all be done via cardio exercise, proper diet, and weight loss.

My HDL (good cholesterol) is 1.17 which is considered “poor”.  
Fortunately, my triglycerides and total cholesterol are good.

Also fortunately, my blood pressure was 120/60.  I can take the small celebrations, right?

My doctor suggested a pound loss of 15.  She said that this would likely have the impact that I am looking for health wise.

Obviously, I want to lose more than 15 and will lose more, but for these 15 pounds, I am going to institute a reward system of sorts.

After I lose 5 pounds, I am getting a pedicure.  Now, I need a pedicure now and was considering getting one on the weekend.  That is off.

After I lose the next 5 pounds, I will get another pedicure. Because it will be time.

After I lose 15 total pounds, I will get a manicure/pedicure/facial.
Talk about a wake up. Again.  It is so insane to think how diet and exercise (or lack thereof) really start to affect a person as we get older.

Another area that I struggle with is exercise. I get really gung ho for a few weeks and then I fade.  I get bored, or busy, or both.  The funny thing is – I LIKE to exercise.  I genuinely enjoy how I feel and what I do when I am exercising.  I need to turn it into much more of a habit than it has been, to be honest.

I would write more, but to be honest, I just feel deflated all around.

50 shades of grey. A confession. A review.

5 May

50 shades of grey is everywhere these days. I heard about it while listening to the radio. The announcers were talking about the book and people were calling in telling tales of their moms holed up in bathrooms for entire weekends.

Sounds like my kind of thing.

Admittedly, I know very little “actual facts” because that’s how I roll, but I have heard that initially the author was writing Twilight fanfic and then “adapted” 50 shades into “other characters” and sold it solely as an ebook until she hit the motherload (pun totally intended) and now it’s an actual book book, in stores and everything.

Not being one to not jump aboard a pop culture trend, I immediately hauled myself to Indigo with a friend and our sons under the guise of “playtime”. While my son read Starwars the lego version and played with Thomas the train, and my friend contemplated various ereaders, I pulled 50 shades of grey, unapologetically, off the shelf and began to flip through the pages.

I get why it’s called mommy porn.

Now, using myself as  the sole subject of comprehensive research, I believe that when a majority of women view consenting adult pornography, they want to see a “plot”.

Like, leave 101 cum shots for “another time” boys.

Even if the plot of the movie consists of a guy in the shortest shorts humanly possible “acting” as though he is a furnace repair man and the girl is wearing what can only be described as a “yoga outfit” for a nudist retreat and the dialogue goes something like:

Hey lady, I’m here to “service your furnace”.

Oh good, because it looks like you have the tools to restart my pilot light.

And then fucking.

… I’m ok with that. Because… plot.

So I think that women dig 50 shades of grey because there is “plot”. Right?

Except I can’t get past the fact that even though these people have different names and aren’t vampires, they are supposed to be originally sort of based on Edward and Bella and like… WTF? Edward? Bella? Nooooooooo.

So I’m at the bookstore and I flip through the book to no less than 5 separate locations and each spot has totally gratuitous sex.

Don’t get me wrong, I like gratuitous sex as much as the next woman, particularly when the sex is with the hottest guy of all time, but where is the plot? Do these people talk? I need something more. Like good writing. 

Backtrack to two weeks ago and I’m with a friend and she is munching on her lunch and reading on her ereader.

Yep. You guessed it. She’s reading 50 shades of grey. And liking it.

So she tells me about a scene where the guy is spanking the girl 9 times. HARD. Like real hits. Because she rolled her eyes at him.

I roll my eyes and wonder if the hottest guy in earth is going to jump out and spank me.

Ok. People like that kind of a thing and the girl in the book signed a contract and stuff. So I heard. Because I still haven’t read the book.

Again, I want to be a part of this worldwide trend but I cannot bring myself to actually get the book. Then on twitter, one gal who is awesome and cool, tweets about it and I think, “Ok. Enough is enough”, and I read the sample available online.

And it’s SO BAD.

First of all, there is no sex in the sample, which amount to the first few pages.  I guess it’s setting the scene between the girl and the hottest enigma of a guy, but the writing is beyond bad.

When I was home at Christmas, my mom pulled out these “books” that I “wrote” when I was around 8 or 10 called “best friends”. My writing was totally stilted. THIS books is like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally fantasize about writing a hunger games fanfic with peeta and katnis and gale and then changing the names and calling it “I’m gonna shoot an arrow through the bun in your oven” and making millions of dollars. 

But 50 shades of grey, which I have not read except for the excerpt, random flipping, various quotes on websites, Ellen on Youtube, my friend talking about it, and the radio, SUCKS.  I want to like it. In fact, I may still read it because I hate not being up on pop culture, but what the what?

What am I missing?

Lest anyone think me a horrible snob, I will confess my deep secret.

I too like mommy porn. My mommy porn is known as “historical romance novels”.

Hot, “bad boy” heroes? Check.

Lots of sex? Check.

Happy endings? Check.

But there is plot, and dialogue, and just… more.

Because I am so benevolent, I will recommend two of my personal favourites that, incidentally, are well reviewed on amazon and goodreads and seem to be popular.

1. The Devil In Winter – this is part of series, but totally a stand alone.  The hero, Sebastian, is a tortured asshole who is super sexy and into sex and gah. SO GOOD.

2. The Viper – also part of series that is totally worth reading, but can be read on its own. The hero is sexy and bad and mean and sexy and sexy. GAH.

I think my husband really benefits from my love of these books because they really are “mood enhancers”. 😉  

So. Yeah.

Getting rid of pounds. Blah blah blah.

5 May

Tom Hiddleston welcomes you to my whiny post. Stay for him.

You are welcome.


I learned a lesson in the past week or so. A good lesson. Lately I have enjoyed a little bit too much of the ice cream. And the white rice. And the GF tortilla chips. And I feel crap about it.

So far, there has been no reflection in my weight, but there is enough of a sluggish feeling that I know I cannot continue on this path.

There is a pattern at work, you see.

I lose some weight. I am happy. I feel I can eat what I want.

But I cannot.

I cannot eat what I want, when I want.

And I am ok with this.

When I let the voices of others – society and otherwise –  attempt to sway me from my chosen path, I fail to stay true to myself.

Restriction works for me. I enjoy restriction. I thrive on restriction. I am healthier when restricting.

As of now, I am off the rice and potatoes and sugar.

I am not in a place where “occasional treats” work and I am ok with that because if it’s not working, change it.

Glad to have gotten that off my chest, mind and back.


Now I can get back to my fun Friday night programming of following the Tom Hiddleston tag on Tumblr and reading about how he tweeted that orgasms are marvellous after he tweeted the ending to the Avengers movie using the word orgasm and then freaked out about the spoiler and deleted the tweet focusing instead on orgasm.

/fangirling like a maniac.  Flanked  by two sleeping small people beside me who would be truly and fantastically embarrassed that their mother still thinks like a teenager. And acts like one.

And yes, I am listening to the Wanted, thank you VERY much.

And in the immortal words of the bitchy “cool” girl from the best movie of all time Girls Just Want to Have Fun – “no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be as good as me”.

With that – back to Tumblr.

Getting rid of pounds. Third Week.

3 May

My apologies.

I used the same photo from last week, due to being sick for the past several days.

I could not bring myself to muster the energy to take a new photo to reflect my ONE POUND weight loss!

Yes, I am down another pound this week, for a total of 8 pounds overall.  I admit that initially I was disappointed.

One pound is not a lot.

Looking at the bigger picture though, 8 pounds in three weeks is pretty darn awesome!

Food and workout wise, this was not a good week for me. I had a lot of not so good foods like ice cream far too often for it to be a “treat”.  It is hard to appreciate the food when I eat it too often.

Being sick has caused me to not exercise at all and to rely on comfort foods (ie ice cream) so I do have an “excuse” and a bit more inspiration to do better next week!

On that note, I joined a Monthly Challenge put on by my Beachbody coach.  My coach, Kim, runs a facebook accountability group where people who she coaches can talk about fitness and health and nutrition, etc, with a supportive group of people. She also runs monthly challenges for smaller groups (this group has 8 in total).   We substitute one meal a day with Shakeology and exercise and eat clean!  We all support and help each other reach our personal goals and the person with the highest percentage of weight loss wins.

I like to think that we all win just for taking part! 😉

On that note, this post is lame, I know, but I am sick and need more sleep.

Posts on my weight loss journey.

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