This is my oath to you

31 Dec

In keeping with my tradition of listening to the most poppy of all pop songs, I adore the song Oath by Cher Lloyd and Becky G.  Alex is a huge Becky G fan as evidenced by her new flat brimmed baseball hat, high tops and sweater with holes in it. :/

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Jenn’s week on – part 8

20 Dec

Read all the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

Sunday November 25th, 2012

My week on is quickly coming to an end.

It’s funny, because when I first went off, someone said to me “oh, so you’re not like sick sick”. I know what people are saying, but I AM sick. Depression, Anxiety, and Panic Disorder are illnesses. Despite being off this week, I have had several panic attacks, including one in the middle of the night last night. Overall, I no longer feel as acute as I did, but I don’t feel “cured”.

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Jenn’s week on – Part 7

19 Dec

get-organized

Read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

Saturday November 24th, 2012

I can’t believe that my week on is almost over. It’s been a week of doctor’s appointment, massage, chiropractor, yoga, and cleaning. A week of a bit more sleep and more relaxation. A week that was supposed to be all about me, that turned into something much different.

TJ was home sick Tuesday to Thursday and this changed my week a great deal. Not for the better or for the worst, just changed. I am not sick with a cold but it’s not as bad as Mr. T’s was, poor little man.

I went to two yoga classes so far and have really loved them. I feel so stretched out, it’s crazy!

My house is organized for the most part – the basement is done, the kid’s rooms are done, the linen closet is done, my drawers and closet are done, all the bathrooms are done, and the kitchen is done.  I have donated TONS of things and it feels good to have done all of that.  Purging and organizing really is good for all involved.

Jenn’s week on – Part 6

18 Dec

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Thursday November 22nd, 2012

Even when sick, my little guy loves to rock.

TJ has been home sick since Tuesday and he is still not 100%. Yesterday during the day I noticed a marked improvement. Our doctor stated that it was viral so it needs to run it’s course.  Each night gets a bit easier. I thought that he may be able to go to school today but he needs at least one more day at home.  It has been nice being home with my small boy, but I am not getting much done in the way of anything, particularly relaxation. To top it off, with TJ coughing in my face, I am not feeling all that great.

Today, I have nothing on tap, except housework and phone calls to the school, and purolator, and I am hoping to take a nap and do some relaxing if at all possible.

Jenn’s week on – Part 5

16 Dec

Read all the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

 

Tuesday November 2oth, 2012

I think I like journalling this week. It helps to write things down.

Today was an ok day.

Last night TJ got sick with a very croupy cough and I was up most of the night with him, which led me to being very tired throughout the day. I went for my massage (TJ sat with the iPad) and fell asleep when I came home for a few fitful minutes.

The house is messy and I haven’t accomplished anything on my to do list. Oddly, I am ok, because I don’t feel any rush, self imposed or otherwise. My anxiety level is somewhat high due to this, but not over the top, perhaps because there is no rush and I really do have time to do it tomorrow.

My goal remains the same. I do want to have all my areas organized and sorted by the end of the week. I feel a real sense of relief with respect to the basement.

Despite all of this, I had a very pronounced panic attack today where I though that I was being smothered. All told, it probably took an hour from it’s peak to calming down, with after effects lasting a bit longer. I also cried twice during the day, and I couldn’t find a trigger for it specifically.

Tomorrow, I have a doctor’s appointment and another yoga class although if my muscles remains this sore, I will likely do the class on Thursday instead.

Jenn’s week on – Part 4

14 Dec

Read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

 

Monday November 19th, 2012

Today was a good day. This morning I sent my husband and kids off, and then read a bit.  I worked out doing the Turbo Jam 20 minute workout and showered and went grocery shopping.

Then I went to yoga and I loved it! The class was great. I felt that I got a really good stretch and worked on opening myself up. I left feeling rejuvenated and energized.

I picked the kids up from school and cooked a nice dinner.

And now? I feel anxious and stressed again. My muscles are clenched, my jaw is tight and grinding and I am breathing very shallow. I don’t know if I expected one day and one yoga class to “cure” me, but it hasn’t yet and I feel disappointed that I’m not better.

I am trying not to beat myself up over not accomplishing much today. I had wanted to clean out the kid’s closets and that didn’t happen. I had wanted to fold a good deal of laundry and that didn’t happen. Tomorrow I have a massage appointment and then I plan to try to tackle some of the things on my to do list.

One step at a time.

Part five coming soon!

Me. Me. Me. Time

14 Dec

Disclaimer: This post is a wee bit whiny, self indulgent, petulant, and pretentiously non philosophical. And a judgemental. Mainly of me and my hypocrisy. You are warned.

Also, I no longer have a cleaning person and am doing it myself until I find someone else. No hurry though.

time1

I really cannot be the only person out there who cringes when they hear/read the term “me time”. While I have no doubt that in the (hopefully distant) past, I too used that term, it has become such a part of the lexicon of selfishness that is the modern mother and parent, a “get me the fuck away from my kids and my family”, that I can no longer get behind the use of the term.

Don’t get me wrong, human beings need time alone. Time alone, time to oneself is very important. I take time to myself on a daily basis.

Mainly on the toilet.

No seriously, I do actually take time for myself. My drives to and from work are done solo. I listen to the radio, sing along with songs, and mentally go over things. After the smalls are in snuggled into their beds, I have either time to myself or time with my husband. This time is not spent in a particularly exciting way (except when it is , bah boom ;)). Usually I/we watch TV or read, chat, go on the computer.Drink.

I read somewhere that people should  take one hour a day, one day a week, one week a month and one month a year off from work and responsibilities. While the whole one week a month is a bit of a pipe dream, the rest I can really get behind.  As a rule, I do this. I try to keep one day of the weekend for just chill time – where I don’t actually HAVE to do anything.  I have never banked a single vacation day. Ever. I use my generous vacation to the best of my ability.

So why is someone so into vacation and alone time so opposed to the phrase “me time”?

First of all, it is beyond overused.  Honestly, how much must one hate the people in one’s life to need to use this term on such a frequent basis?

Second of all, “me time” is rarely about spending time alone, catching up on rest or just peeing without someone little person on your lap. “Me time” is often taking place at a beauty salon, with a group of friends, shopping, or simply chilling out without the people who constitute the “you”.

There is almost an air of entitlement. Like being a parent, or a spouse or an employee or a human in this world entitles people to say “fuck it”, I don’t want any of this responsibility for even a second more than I have to.

I have reached many a breaking point. Points where it’s like “go away times infinity” to everyone in my general eyesite, but really, I chose this life, mostly, and, I need to live it to the best of my ability. I need to be PRESENT in the now.  I need to see my kids and my husband and even my job as more than just “responsibilities”, things that need to be escaped from. And I do. I really, really do.

And because I do, it upsets me to see so much of “oh, I have a full time live in nanny and I don’t work, and I need a week long vacation”.

And really, this brings me to a bigger issue. As I sit here and type this out, my twice monthly housekeeper is upstairs, cleaning my bathrooms. (I wrote this post a few months ago and am posting it now. I no longer have the cleaning lady.)

Woe is me.

I go through phases with the concept of a housekeeper. (Aside – I typed in twice weekly before I changed it to monthly. Freud much?)

I deserve this. 

I work full time. I drive my kids all over the place.

I need this.

I am a better wife and mother having someone come twice a month.

My mother didn’t have someone and she worked full time, cooked our meals from scratch and is the best mother in the world.

It’s not really necessary, it’s just a bit more work.

I work full time.

I deserve it.

See what I mean?

Also, since when has getting your eyebrows waxed and manicures and pedicures been a necessity?

I need it for work.

I like looking good.

When you look good on the outside, you feel good.

Then I hear my kids.

Why should I clean it? Isn’t that the cleaner’s job?

Mom, I need a manicure too.

I need that toy.

I need those clothes from that store.

EVERYONE else is doing it. EVERYONE else has it.

And it’s true. Everyone else has me time, and regular manicures and cleaning ladies, and the best toys, and the best clothes, and the. the. the…

And that comes around to my whole point (although, I don’t know if I really have one, to be honest):

The thing is, I would not consider us to be RICH people.  Sure, in relation to most of the world, we are comfortable and happy, but rich, rich? No. I Occupy with the rest of the bourgeois.

Do I really want my kids to grow up in a world where manicures, pedicures, and housekeepers, getting away from family and the “best of” everything are normal?

Where eating sushi on a weekly basis is expected?

Where mom and dad spend more “me time” than family time?

I may have an answer.

But am I willing to go cold turkey with the housekeeper and the manicures and the sushi?

Or can those things really be for special occasions? For the real “me time”?

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