Tag Archives: Anxiety

Depression isn’t pretty. It’s grey.

13 Jan

Lately when I look outside, all I see is grey. Occasionally, rarely really, do I see a tiny sliver of sun and before I can turn my head to it, it’s gone, as though it was almost imagined.

That’s how I feel right now. Inside. It’s as though I am looking at the world through a lens of grey where there is no colour to be found. And it sucks.

When I was a kid, I don’t remember saying “when I grow up, I hope I’m never happy”. Who does that? Anyone? I doubt it. I like to be happy, I’m just not. And it isn’t a specific thing, unless you count the chemical imbalance that is depression to be a “thing”.

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Jenn’s week on – Part 7

19 Dec


Read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

Saturday November 24th, 2012

I can’t believe that my week on is almost over. It’s been a week of doctor’s appointment, massage, chiropractor, yoga, and cleaning. A week of a bit more sleep and more relaxation. A week that was supposed to be all about me, that turned into something much different.

TJ was home sick Tuesday to Thursday and this changed my week a great deal. Not for the better or for the worst, just changed. I am not sick with a cold but it’s not as bad as Mr. T’s was, poor little man.

I went to two yoga classes so far and have really loved them. I feel so stretched out, it’s crazy!

My house is organized for the most part – the basement is done, the kid’s rooms are done, the linen closet is done, my drawers and closet are done, all the bathrooms are done, and the kitchen is done.  I have donated TONS of things and it feels good to have done all of that.  Purging and organizing really is good for all involved.

Jenn’s week on – Part 6

18 Dec

Read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

Thursday November 22nd, 2012

Even when sick, my little guy loves to rock.

TJ has been home sick since Tuesday and he is still not 100%. Yesterday during the day I noticed a marked improvement. Our doctor stated that it was viral so it needs to run it’s course.  Each night gets a bit easier. I thought that he may be able to go to school today but he needs at least one more day at home.  It has been nice being home with my small boy, but I am not getting much done in the way of anything, particularly relaxation. To top it off, with TJ coughing in my face, I am not feeling all that great.

Today, I have nothing on tap, except housework and phone calls to the school, and purolator, and I am hoping to take a nap and do some relaxing if at all possible.

Jenn’s week on – Part 5

16 Dec

Read all the posts in Jenn’s Week On.


Tuesday November 2oth, 2012

I think I like journalling this week. It helps to write things down.

Today was an ok day.

Last night TJ got sick with a very croupy cough and I was up most of the night with him, which led me to being very tired throughout the day. I went for my massage (TJ sat with the iPad) and fell asleep when I came home for a few fitful minutes.

The house is messy and I haven’t accomplished anything on my to do list. Oddly, I am ok, because I don’t feel any rush, self imposed or otherwise. My anxiety level is somewhat high due to this, but not over the top, perhaps because there is no rush and I really do have time to do it tomorrow.

My goal remains the same. I do want to have all my areas organized and sorted by the end of the week. I feel a real sense of relief with respect to the basement.

Despite all of this, I had a very pronounced panic attack today where I though that I was being smothered. All told, it probably took an hour from it’s peak to calming down, with after effects lasting a bit longer. I also cried twice during the day, and I couldn’t find a trigger for it specifically.

Tomorrow, I have a doctor’s appointment and another yoga class although if my muscles remains this sore, I will likely do the class on Thursday instead.

Jenn’s week on – Part 4

14 Dec

Read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On.


Monday November 19th, 2012

Today was a good day. This morning I sent my husband and kids off, and then read a bit.  I worked out doing the Turbo Jam 20 minute workout and showered and went grocery shopping.

Then I went to yoga and I loved it! The class was great. I felt that I got a really good stretch and worked on opening myself up. I left feeling rejuvenated and energized.

I picked the kids up from school and cooked a nice dinner.

And now? I feel anxious and stressed again. My muscles are clenched, my jaw is tight and grinding and I am breathing very shallow. I don’t know if I expected one day and one yoga class to “cure” me, but it hasn’t yet and I feel disappointed that I’m not better.

I am trying not to beat myself up over not accomplishing much today. I had wanted to clean out the kid’s closets and that didn’t happen. I had wanted to fold a good deal of laundry and that didn’t happen. Tomorrow I have a massage appointment and then I plan to try to tackle some of the things on my to do list.

One step at a time.

Part five coming soon!

Jenn’s week on – Part 3

13 Dec

Monday November 19th, 2012

I signed up for yoga yesterday.

One of the yoga studios in my community has a special for new members where you pay $40 for the month and get unlimited classes. After that you can pay per class, buy a 5, 10 or 20 pass or pay $100/month unlimited on a four month cycle.

Yoga has been something that I have wanted to do for a long time now. I have always enjoyed stretching and been a flexible person and I feel that coupled with the meditative aspects, this could be a good fit for me, wellness wise.

This week, I signed up for 3 classes.  I also have doctor’s appointments, a massage, and a home visit from my chiropractor.

I am stuck in that place of wanting to do something to get better, but not to do anything at all and just relax and rest.

I made a to do list, but I am flexible with it. Save for appointments, I am trying to chill this week and not feel like I have to do anything specific at any specific time.

Last night, I meditated before bed, following my breathing for about 5 minutes. I almost wrote that five minutes is nothing, but five minutes is five minutes more than nothing and I am proud of those five minutes.

The skies are grey today, but I am feeling like the sun should peak out soon.

To read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On, click here!


Jenn’s week on – Part 2

12 Dec

Read all of the posts in Jenn’s Week On.

Sunday November 18th, 2012

Last night was hard. Today seems even more difficult.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I watched the Dark Knight Rises with my family and everyone but me fell asleep. I’m not a Batman fan.

My family went to  bed and I stalked through the house, trying to stop my mind from wandering. I watched another movie, Ever After, a sweet Cinderella love story with no real thought required.

I had a horrible panic attack, where I was gasping for breath. My fear was so intense. The time ticked away until I fell into a fitful sleep, waking soon after with my kids needing me. I fell asleep in my daughter’s bed.

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I wanted to stay in bed all day.  Dave asked me to go out for coffee, saying that getting up and out might help. I didn’t believe him until it sort of worked.

I just want to be better.


Stay tuned for Part 3!

Jenn’s week on – Part 1

11 Dec
Great holiday magazine deals at ValueMags all month.



This is the first post of a several part series about a very short sick leave that I was on, how it came about, and how I am doing now (much better).

I am calling it “Jenn’s week on” rather than “Jenn’s week off”, because it’s hard to turn off life, and this week was about going through my life more mindfully and getting better.

I will be posting a new installment every few days.


Saturday November 17th, 2012

Wednesday was not a good day.

When I look back, I can see that the monster was brewing for a while. I was able to stave off the panic and the sadness with new meds and exercise and trying to soldier through. Until I just couldn’t.

I was at work on Wednesday and I had extreme abdominal pain.  My period was sort of there – light pink and not heavy at all – but the pain was not typical at all. I felt sick and nauseous and was sweating.

Wednesday night the pain in my stomach had not abated. I phoned telehealth and they told me to go to the hospital so I did. I had blood tests and urine tests. An internal exam and a transvaginal ultrasound.  Fun times. :/

Everything came back normal.

I had the sensation, not for the first time, of almost wishing that something would be wrong so it wasn’t “just” anxiety.

My blood pressure was high though. Higher than normal.

Maybe it’s stress, the doctor said.

Yeah. I know.

The next day, I went to see my doctor. She took one look at me, I couldn’t hold it together and I just let everything out.

Is there a trigger? she asked.

I don’t think so.

That’s what makes this whole thing suck.

My doctor gave me a note to take Friday and next week off from work due to panic attacks and my blood pressure and to work on getting better.

I dropped the note off at work and my bosses were very understanding even though I felt like sick. Like a failure. Like I was letting people down.

I do know though that if I don’t get better, the person I will let down will be me.

This next week will be about focusing on my health and getting better.

For part 2, click here.

No brain tumour. I still like Step Up and Timbaland and SYTYCD.

31 Jul

I don’t have a brain tumour.  Oddly enough, I feel odd about those results.  Turns out that whatever was on the x-ray looking all tumour like, was actually some sort of shading. The MRI was clear.

Really, I should be jumping up and down, and I am happy, but I sort of figured that maybe this tumour was the answer to all the things going on like depression and anxiety and if it was removed, I would be normal again.

On a good note, I don’t have a tumour in my brain!

Summers to me mean So You Think You Can Dance. I love, love, love that show. I love to snark on it. I love to watch it. I love to imagine and remember just how much I loved to dance.

Also, and totally unsurprisingly I am quite sure, I am a huge fan of the Step Up movies.

A few weeks ago the Step Up dancers (including Twitch!) were on SYTYCD.  Dancing to a Timbaland song, a song I have since added to heavy rotation on my phone during my nightly walks.

Can you spot the SYTYCD alums?

Brain Tumour.

7 Jun

Today is normally my weigh in day, but OMG times infinity, I just got some crazy health news from my doctor and I am reeling and in shock and numb.

I have had recurrent sinus infections in the past few years, including a period recently with sinus, ear and throat infections and three rounds of antibiotics and I’m still not 100%.  My doctor sent me for sinus and chest x-rays and I got a call to come in.

Honestly, I figured I had (walking) pneumonia or something.  I was wrong.

So the xray shows what appears to be a pituitary tumour. I am sending you for an MRI to the hospital with the shortest wait time.

What the what?

All I essentially heard was – YOU HAVE BRAIN CANCER.

The good news is that I don’t have brain cancer.  A pituitary tumour is almost always benign, but it basically messes up a lot of stuff.  

It also explains a lot of really seemingly random symptoms I have that make a whole lot more sense now.

Either way, it doesn’t feel good to know that I (basically) have a TUMOUR IN MY BRAIN.

Ask me if I slept last night? Not so much.  It’s kind of difficult to relax and sleep when all I can think about is the TUMOUR IN MY BRAIN.

I started joking with my husband, because really, while I wait around for tests and sit in a state of perpetual not knowing, all you can do is joke.  He would say something and I would respond with, “is that appropriate to ask someone with a brain tumour?”  He didn’t find it all that funny.

Dr. Google, friends, etc, have told me enough not to be too, too worried, and enough to be really, really worried.

Either way, looks like the start of a new journey!

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